Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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