fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
