If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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