Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
