Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
