I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
