Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
