i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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