i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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