I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Pappa wants mamma naked
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
