i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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