We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
