just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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