If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex