i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...