just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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