Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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