it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
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what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
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You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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