it's too hot outside to masturbate.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.