Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”