well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
