Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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