i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
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Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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