It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
