So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Sober January is a disaster.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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