I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
