My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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