I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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