walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
