please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
