I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
