He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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