She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
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She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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