My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
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She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
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And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni