I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
