Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
