Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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