Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
