she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
