Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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