if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
