Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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