as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
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Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
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We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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