Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
