The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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