I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I can text with my tongue
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
