fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
