Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
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look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
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I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.