did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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