Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
