Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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