Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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