Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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