went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
