No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
