quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
